How could I have known?
by Pafoof
Summary: Sirius describing how thoroughly James Potter affected his life and how James' death was a surprise.


**Disclaimer: You know, this gets old sometimes. You know by now that nothing you recognize is mine.**

_You took my hand_

_You showed me how_

_You promised me you'd be around_

I sat miserably in the Gryffindor's boys dormitory.. I was dead, this confirmed it. Dad already beat the shit out of me for no reason and now? Well it was obvious that I wouldn't live past Christmas. Three other boys walked in and I resigned myself to make polite conversation. That Potter boy was talkative at least and Lupin didn't seem all that quiet after a little while. Sure enough Potter bounded over to say hello since I had left the feast early.

"Feeling better?" He asked cheerfully. I attempted to smile but I am sure it didn't come out well.

"Su-no" To my mortification tears started falling in fear of my family and I hastily looked away.

"What's wrong? Do you need the nurse or something?" Potter looked helplessly at Lupin but the boy saw my frantic shake of the head and stopped heading for the door. When Potter realized I was sobbing on my bed and I wasn't sick he eagerly put his arms around me in any attempt to get me to stop.

"I don't belong here. I don't even know how to talk to Mudbloods" James stiffened but didn't call me on it.

"I'll show you, it's not hard." The next day I became friends with Emily Cocovitz, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. James showed me on that first day something that would save my time at Hogwarts which could have turned out miserably. It is something I have kept with me all these years. All people are equal.

_I took your words_

_And I believed_

_In everything you said to me_

By Christmas I believed James with all my heart and when I went home it was all different. After I had had living proof that Muggle borns weren't all my parents said how could I continue to believe them? That first Christmas that I went to Hogwarts marked when I split from my family forever.

_IF someone said _

_Three years from now_

_You'd be long gone_

"If Voldemort's after him Sirius then you can't expect James to last more than a year. If you become close now it will only make it harder in the long run. You must break ties with him immediately. It will do you good in the long run." I have never felt so much anger in my life as I did to Alastor Moody as we sat in living room and discussed James' latest predicament, one that would change everyone around him.

_I'd stand up and punch them out_

_Cuz they're all wrong_

I punched Alastor Moody in the jaw that night and walked out of his flat.

_I know better_

_Cuz you said forever _

_And ever_

_Who knew_

"How are you not worried?" I asked him, frustrated that he would dare avoid the topic with me when our time was so limited.

"This isn't a big deal. Voldemort's a pushover. Lily, Harry and I will be safe with Fidelius." He looked in my eyes. "Padfoot, I'm going to be around for awhile. Don't worry about it."

_Remember when _

_We were such fools_

_And so convinced_

_And just too cool_

_Oh no, no no_

The Marauder novelty we experienced in school didn't fade after graduation. We still felt that we could conquer the world. Voldemort was just a inconvenience for us. We joined the Order and successful mission after successful mission only proved our theory right.

_I wish I could_

_Touch you again_

_I wish I could_

_Still call you a friend_

_I'd give anything_

James and I became friends with benefits after he found out Voldemort was out for his blood. It was a thing of desperation and was in no way a secret. Now, James is gone and I would give anything to have him back.

_When someone said _

_Count your blessing now_

'_fore they're long gone_

_I guess I just didn't know how_

_I was all wrong_

I never appreciated James in those last days together. I never accepted the possibility that one day he wouldn't be there. I didn't visit him more often nor did I spend more time with my godson. Life continued as though nothing had changed. When James went into hiding I didn't cry or beg him to not go. It was only a few weeks in my mind and then he would be back. You can imagine my shock when I only saw his corpse a few months after I planned to have Prongs back at my side.

_They knew better_

_Sill you said forever_

_And ever _

_Who knew_

I stopped going to Order meetings after awhile. Some excuse was always at the tip of my tongue. I couldn't' hear talk of James and how they all doubted we'd ever see him again. They'd even replaced him in the intelligence branch within the Order. You had said you would never leave my side and like a fool I took your words to heart. Maybe that's why after my shock and I sat in my cell in Axkaban I felt betrayed by two friends instead of one.

_I'll keep you locked in my head_

_Until we meet again_

_I won't forget you my friend_

_What happened_

So now I am content to wait until I die to see him and yes sometimes I have thought about choosing that time but then I figured our reunion wouldn't be joyous with you screaming your head off at me and whatnot. He is always the voice in the back of my mind instead of my conscience. Even without Harry around as his mini I would never forget anything about him.

_If someone said three years from now_

_You'd be long gone_

_I'd stand up and punch them out_

_Cuz they're all wrong and_

_That last kiss I'll cherish _

_Until we meet again._

"Be strong Pads," James whispered into the stillness of the night. "I can't be with you for awhile but I will be back. Don't you give up on me, you hear me? I don't care what they say to you or what they promise you. You just remember what I've always told you and stick to your guns." There was silence until I broke it in the only way I knew how since it was the only thought running through my head.

"I'll miss you" I thought the wind had carried away my words but the way James' eyes misted over I knew they hadn't been lost on him. He grabbed me and kissed me as he never had before and without consciously realizing it I knew that it was goodbye. He only smiled and apparated away.

_And time makes it harder_

_I wish I could remember_

_And I keep _

_Your memory_

_You visit me in my sleep_

Some of the smaller memories have faded by now. I can't remember your face exactly and your voice has become dim in my mind. But every night you're there and when I wake up I have never felt more lost and alone but also it lets me know that you are still with me and waiting like I am until we can reunite.

_My darling,_

_Who knew_


End file.
